Just (2 days ago) got back from the Toronto area, which I spent time in for 2 weeks…ish.  It was hot, humid, and… well that’s pretty much all for the weather. Other than that, I had fun.  It was a pretty good time.  My cousin Lauren got married, and the wedding was beautiful. In the Botanical Gardens in B… A place I forget the name of, that starts with a B.  Near Oakville, Ontario.  Wherever it is, it is pretty.  I has some pictures I shall share of course — There will be SO MANY of them.  As a matter of fact, I might as well start showing them off:

Pretty isn’t it?  :P  The bride is also stunning.  I’m almost jealous.  In the second picture, she’s signing their marriage registration.. thingy.. Oh my, it’s official! No escaping it now! Mwahaha.

I personally like the second picture.  Giving the groom some attitude.  Look what he’s gotten himself into now~

Me and Lisa, with our awesomely coloured hair!  Woo!  The second picture shows all the cousins that were able to attend the wedding.  There’s three missing; unfortunately they couldn’t make it.  Not a bad looking group though :3  Four missing if I include Chrissy.  I actually cried at the wedding, not for the wedding’s sake, but because the thought that Chrissy couldn’t be there with us to see it crossed my mind.  It was incredibly hard to stop myself, but thankfully I didn’t have to bring down anyone else’s mood, because people cry at weddings just for the wedding’s sake… So I could just lump myself in with that reason.  No need to bring a somber mood into a happy day, right?  Of course, I probably wasn’t the only one thinking it.. We love you Chrissy.  I’m sure you were there with us in spirit. <3

I didn’t know which one of these I liked better, so I posted them both.  xD  Eric could use a bit of a hair cut, but other than that, I’d say we’re a pretty good looking couple, dontcha think?  :P

Couple more pictures from the reception.  :3  Lauren and her brother, then the group of cousins with spouses (or not so spouses in my case) included.  X3

Had to include my mum in here somewhere.  xD  She’s with Joey and Christopher.  Second pic is my cousins Darcie and Christoper with my Uncle Michael and Aunt Terry.

So yeah, that’s just the wedding…. But I don’t want to photo bomb my page, so Imma save the rest of the pictures from the trip for another post (or two) — Perhaps I’ll do it tomorrow.  Hehe.  Maybe I’ll even get comments!  I haven’t seen many of those in a while.  :P  Only Jon and Jose.  The second of which I actually also visited while in Toronto. No pix of him though, I don’t think I had my camera. Good times though!  He’s a pretty good tour guide, even if he didn’t know where the Hockey Hall of Fame was.  XD

Yeah not many people read this blog.  That was made disturbingly clear to me after my last post, because of it’s importance and serious meaning behind it.  But there’s at least two or three people who read it still, so I guess that’s still something.

Not more than 5 minutes ago, my friend texted me telling me to “go check Eric’s (my bf) facebook”.  I hate facebook, also I’m too lazy to turn on his computer to do so, so I asked “what for?”.  The response I got pretty much put the nail in the coffin of that facebook account that I was never going to make anyway – “Event invitation”.  To which I said, “Why do I have to check facebook for it.. Can’t you just tell me? This is why facebook is stupid.”  

And it IS why facebook is stupid. Well, one of the reasons, aside from the huge privacy issues, and the stupid amount of people who are so addicted to it they can’t go 10 minutes without checking for facebook updates, or making their own updates. People don’t talk anymore.  Or they do, but they use facebook to communicate, and talking is just something that’s done as a pastime. My friend was already texting me – why would I have to check facebook (especially since I don’t even have one) to see an invite to a party sometime in the near future, when he could easily have just texted me about it right then and there?  I’ve also missed out on get-togethers and such BECAUSE people ONLY used facebook to express their intent to have said get-together. My bf is not one of those people who religiously checks his facebook, so if there’s an invite and he doesn’t see it before the event happens – and nobody bothers to invite us otherwise – we miss it.  It’s only happened a few times so far, but it’s bound to happen more in the future.  

Some people might say “so check your facebook more often” or in my case, “GET a facebook account” … to which I would like to say whole heartedly, fuck you. D:  I have a phone. It’s always turned on, and almost always with me. Even on the off chance the battery dies or something, texts and/or voicemails can still be acquired when I turn it back on.  So, why not just use that?  Sure, for large-scale things (where you’re inviting upwards of maybe 30 people) facebook invites are pretty easy. Saves the time it’d take to call them all.  But texting 30 people (assuming they all have text-worthy cell phones, but honestly, I can count on one hand how many people I know that don’t have one) takes a minute. And for those that don’t have text, you call. Since you (probably) have their number in your contacts list, it makes it even easier!  And if you intend to invite people who are not on your contact list – how hard is it to ask someone who knows their number for it, or to pass on the message for you?  :P  That’s what I always do.  And I have more get-togethers in a year than most of my friends who use facebook do.

Anyway, I’m totally just rambling here.  But I had to say it because it just totally blew my mind.  I know facebook is retarded, and that people are lazy/silly – but he was already texting me! And knows I don’t have facebook! It hurts my brain.  xD

And since the font size on my title is so tiny – I feel the need to restate the following:

Facebook is stupid!

I haven’t used this in a while, other than for hosting images, of course.. It’s rather convenient having an image host that I don’t have to sign up for (and remember yet another password) that I have to worry about randomly dumping my pictures or limiting my bandwidth, or.. whatever photobucket and imageshack do.. There’s so many broken links to images hosted on those two sites… I dunno what causes it, but I don’t really need to worry about it when I have this.  

So I’ve had (Hanzo) bugging me to post here.  I didn’t wanna, but I figure.. Meh, whatever, I guess it’s been long enough, i can.  

Whats been on my mind/going on in the last… well since November I guess was the last time I posted, right?  It’s been a pretty shitty time, to be honest.  It’s one of the reasons I haven’t posted anything on here in so long.  Back in December, on the 8th, my little sister Chrissy passed away.  Her lungs failed, Cystic Fibrosis, which both she and my other sis Lisa have had since they were born, took her from us.  It was a very hard time, and we still feel it… Which isn’t really anything to be surprised about.  We’ll always feel it.  But for the time being, it’s just so fresh that there isn’t much I can do to avoid thinking about it most of the time.  Unless I keep myself busy and distracted, which, at first worked out alright.  I started playing Ragnarok Online again, and immersing myself entirely into that kept me busy. But of late, the game has lost its luster, become boring and more of a source of depression and annoyance than something fun to turn to for relief from reality.  So now I need something else.  Being depressed horribly sucks when trying to find something that entertains you enough to get your mind off things, though… Nothing seems fun, or interesting.

Enough about that for now though. While I’d prefer not to relive the last moments of my dear sister’s life, they are always going to be with me.  Being there in that hospital room. The things she tried to say, I’m sure there’s so much more she would have loved to say and do. I wish I could have said more too.. We did have our chances to say a short goodbye, although it upset her, because she realized what was going on.  She got upset while I was in the room alone with her – I think that was when she figured it out – I was the second person to talk with her, after Lisa. Although, it wasn’t as much of anything when I think back on it.  My “way with words” is completely limited to written form, be it letters, emails, or otherwise… When it comes to being able to put my thoughts into vocal words, they get lost somewhere, and nothing comes out the way I’d like.. If at all.  The most I was able to tell her was that I love her.  Which, is good, but there’s so much more I would have liked to say.  People will say things like “I’m sure she understood”  or “she knew you were there for her”… But nobody really KNOWS that.  I can believe it, if it makes me feel better, which of course it does.  But I don’t KNOW.  And I never will.  So it’s just one of those things that is seemingly pointless to get upset over, but at the same time…

I held her hand as she breathed her last breaths.  It sounds like something out of a movie.  But no, it’s reality. She was surrounded by family and friends, but for those last hours, there was only me and her, and for the last minutes…. I thought my heart was gonna stop.  I remember my mum being beside me, I remember waiting for her to breathe again, just once more, then again, and for everything to be ok.  Sadly it wasn’t a movie.  There was no heroic doctor, or a last minute miracle.  Reality sucks.

I sound bitter.  It’s probably true, and also probably understandable.  She was only 19.  She would have been 20 this year in August. We didn’t even get to do much, compared to most people… She’s been sick all her life, sicker than Lisa has been.. I was going to take them each on a trip wherever for their 18th birthday/graduation.  Lisa and I went to Valleyfair and the Mall of America.  Chrissy and I never got our trip.  Between the fact that she was sick, and I was stubborn, she missed out.  I do regret that, at the very least.  It probably made her feel less important to me.  Maybe not after awhile, but at the time.  Hard to say, again, probably not worth dwelling on.  

Being the eldest sister was hard, in a way.  When we were all younger, Chrissy was my “mini me” so to speak. She copied everything I did, and since I was a dumb kid, it drove me nuts.  It mattered less as we got older, and now it only feels like a compliment.  Of the four of us, me and Chrissy were usually thrown together, while Lisa and our brother were.  Our parents separated and divorced, Andrew and Lisa were “dad’s” and me and Chrissy were “mum’s”.  We were also closer back then too.  But as I got older, and started doing other things, I kind of left Chrissy behind a bit.  But that’s how getting older works.  Especially when I moved out.  Thankfully, we got closer again in the last couple years, but never as close as we used to be when we were younger.  We were very alike, the two of us.. Very stubborn and strong-willed.  Fought back if we were pushed, had “attitudes” our parents didn’t always like.  It was one of the things everyone liked about Chrissy, when you heard people talking about her, the doctors and nurses, everyone in the family, friends, the general opinion of her was always “she was a little spitfire”.  Always did what she wanted, regardless of what other people told her.  Sounds about right.

Since December, I know I haven’t been “all there” most of the time.  I’ve become more socially awkward than I was before, I even find it hard to carry on a good conversation with my mum.  Everything just feels so distant, I guess. The world isn’t a fair place, and I’m pretty unimpressed with everything.  I get mad often, and easily.  Maybe “mad” isn’t really the right word… Frustrated.  Because I’m not really angry, it’s more of a defeated feeling that leads me to becoming mad. Again, though.. Thinking about it makes it seem silly.  Since I know the problem, you’d assume it’d be easy to work on it… Or maybe I’m being selfish and stupid.  I don’t like it when people say “Chrissy wouldn’t want that”, because they don’t know for sure what she would have wanted.  Of course, it’s implied sometimes, because she cared about her friends and family. She wouldn’t want us to be upset. But when other people say it, it just…. I don’t really know, it feels redundant and aggravating. 

I’m a selfish person, though, I guess. 

On a related note, if there’s anyone who reads this that I haven’t already sent an email to, please check this out, and donate if you can.  I want to raise money for Cystic Fibrosis research.

Cystic Fibrosis Canada – Great Strides

The con went well. :p  It was pretty fun and awesome and stuff, and ran smoothly, which is always great. xD  Next year’s should be awesome, or so we hope.

My friend came back from a month in Japan – and brought me eevees!!  I asked him to bring me back an eevee when he asked what i wanted.. so he did. xD  The 7 of them (because they were sold out of flareon when he went.. which i totally understand, cuz it’s easily the cutest and most detailed one! ) and a smallish stuffed eevee which is currently hanging from my rear view mirror in my car. ;D  I ordered the flareon off ebay anyway, although it was a bit expensive, (though not overly, it was about 10 bucks) i needed to have it! 

Now I’m addicted to pokemon all over again.. which is fine I suppose except that it takes up all my spare time.  ;p 

I gotta get drawing again, i’ve become lazy with it.. though I just realized that photoshop may not work on this computer anymore.. hmm.. D:

Chibicon is coming up.. This weekend, actually. Sadly, this year seems to be the same situation as last year… For me personally anyway.  The con itself seems like it’ll be much better than last year, but that’s just from what we got set up… New location, more screening rooms, more stuff… Sounds like a good deal.  Should be fun, mostly.

On the personal front is where I worry. But then, I’ve been told i worry too much.  Probably true.  Here’s hoping it all works out for the best! 

..That it made your heart feel like it was gonna explode?  Funny story about that, actually.  Well.  Maybe less funny.  A little at least.  I see the humor in it.  And it’s my heart, so I’m allowed.

So yeah, I’ve been stressed recently. Obviously.  I’ve always had palpitations. Apparently most people do.  They just don’t know it.. maybe cuz it’s really infrequent, or just not noticeable.  I’ve had them for a few years now, they got really noticeable when i started taking anti-depressants, and even moreso when I stopped.  Withdrawls and all.  They weren’t common though, at most, i’d have one or two in a day (that i noticed) but usually only a few times a week.  In the last week or two, it’s gotten to the point that they’re so frequent it’s about twenty times a day (keep in mind these are just the ones I notice) and they’re so hard I have to gasp for air after cuz they kinda take my breath away.  

So that, combined with the fact that my heart rate accelerated to over 130 at rest, plus the fact that it was pounding like a motherfucker, (wow motherfucker is considered a word by spell check? rly?)  I thought it was gonna explode.  Though, to be honest, it happens similar to that quite frequently recently, specifically when I’m around a certain person.  

It’s interesting what emotions and stress can do to your body.  Stuff in your brain has a pretty huge effect on the rest of you.  Which makes sense, of course.  It’s just weird that you can totally psych yourself out, or imagine an illness and have the symptoms of it even though you don’t actually have it… Just by imagining it. Of course, this isn’t really like that, it’s more like.. Perhaps love sickness?  I dunno what that’s generally characterized as.  But my heart’s taking a beating (haha yeah, i said it)

I had to wear this uh.. Heart monitor thingy for 24 hours that recorded my heart rate and stuff.  I haven’t heard anything from the hospital yet (yeah, that night i actually ended up going to the hospital) so I guess no news is good news.  ;p  Not that I feel much better.  I’m a bit concerned with the constant high rate and force that my heart’s been working at.  It makes me feel kinda sick, sleepy, anxious, and like I wanna cry all at the same time.  Here’s hoping it gets better soon!  Without the assistance of drugs, that is.. Cuz I’d rather not get stuck on beta blockers or something.  D:

I dunno wtf she’s playing with. I forget.  She kinda pissed me off a bit ago, so I figured i’d post a really dumb pic of her to get back at her.. or something.  I dunno.  XP

I have a horrible taste in my mouth that i can’t get rid of.  It’s very bitter.. It might have something to do with some of the chemicals i was working with earlier. Matter of fact, i’m pretty sure it does, they taste awful.  I need a drink but I’m too lazy to go find one.  I’ve been snacking on these peanut M&Ms i have sitting here, but they’re not helping at all.  Shame, really.

Im just writing again cuz I’m bored,waiting for a couple torrents to finish so I can watch something rather than sit here in silence doing nothing.  It’s lonely.  My cats are too stupid to be good company most of the time, unless I require a pillow, or something to throw.  I WAS going to play final fantasy today, but when I got home I decided I didn’t feel like it anymore.  That happens a lot.  Things seem like they’d be a lot of fun til I get the time to actually DO them.. Then I just don’t feel like it. Kind of annoying, really. But whatever, at least this way I’ll never run out of things to do.. I just often don’t have anything that I WANT to do unless I’m in a situation that I can’t do it.  Lol.

Speaking of things that I want but can’t have.. I have to get around to having a chat with a certain someone.  I feel like i should say some things, but at the same time, I guess I’ve been afraid to.  It’s a horrible situation to be honest. One that I’ve lost much sleep over.  But these things happen.. I’m just hoping the things I want to say will shed some light on issues that need it.  I also hope that I can actually say it right, since I am rather bad at getting words out that make sense, are coherent, don’t get all mixed up or have the meaning misinterpreted… Uh.. Don’t make me sound like a crazy person or a jerk.. Though if given the choice, i’d rather be a crazy person.

Guess that’s it then.  I’ll be off for now.  Gone to explode and die~  BOOM

New entry thingy.  Yet somehow the option to have a border has gone missing.  Oh well, I suppose they weren’t overly important in the grand scheme of things. I just liked the extra colour.  

So uh.. I dunno really what to say here, just going thru the motions of posting once in awhile. Nothing exciting going on.  Well, maybe.

I’ve been pretty depressed recently, things just haven’t been going the best I guess. There’s the two main things on my mind; one I don’t know if I want to mention, the other is my sister being pretty sick.  She’s always been sick, i guess, having Cystic Fibrosis and all.  Recently her health’s been declining enough to become quite worrisome.  She’s been put on the list for a lung transplant, and we’re all hoping she gets it within the next two (or less) years.  She was in the hospital for about a month, but thankfully she recovered enough to get to go home a few days ago.  She’s quite a bit happier there, of course.  Who wouldn’t be?  hospitals aren’t the best places to be.  At least, even though she’s 19, she’s been kept in the Children’s hospital, since they know her conditions and give her better care than the adult side would.  So there’s that at least.  Only problem with the children’s is the constant amount of babies around, with their screaming and crying and whining.. Not always a bother, but sometimes… bleh. >_>

So yeah, of course that’s been on my mind a lot.  Been kinda hard on my family, specially my mum.  But we’re gonna keep fighting till she’s gotten her new lungs and recovers from the surgery!  

Other than that.. My job’s still the same. Although i’ve tried quitting, the other job I almost had lined up fell through.. So I’m still there.  It’s not easy to find a good paying full time job, ya know?  Bleh.  Could be worse.  But it kinda is a pit of depression around there.  It’s not run well.  The place could be pretty amazing if it weren’t for some of the idiots in charge.  I don’t think I wanna get into it since this is a public blog and anyone can see it.  I’d rather not lose my job for slandering the company.. Or whatever. I don’t even know if they can do that.  I’d rather not find out the hard way.  XD

I still live in my condo too.  Which, with the lack of someone living with me, and the lack of a good paying job, might be hard to squeak by in payments this year.  I really really hope that condo fees don’t go up again.  Or I might not be able to afford it anymore.  It’s a nice place, though, the windows really need to be replaced.  And my heaters don’t seem to be working for whatever reason. They worked fine last year.. Then I of course had them off all summer… Now I can’t get them to turn back on.  I might have a cold winter, unless I call someone and get it fixed… I’m pretty sure it’s covered under the condo fees I pay.  Otherwise I’m gonna be wearing blankets around the house all winter.  ;x  Again, could be worse.  At least i have a home, right?  D:

Hugs are awesome. Especially from the person you love.  They got power boosting properties. 

Although I suppose the contrary could be said if it’s an awkward hug, or one from someone gross. Power down! D:

I dont even have words for right now, to be honest.  Well, I suppose I have a few otherwise Id have nothing to say. 

I guess I’m wallowing in self pity, or self hate, or a combination of the two, right now.  I feel like the dumbest person alive at the moment.  I suppose that’s saying a lot since I rag on idiots pretty often.  But what else is there to say when you – … well, I had what I’d wanted for a while.  I really really wanted it.  I worked hard to get it too.  And then I blew it pretty bad.  Was it worth it?  Oh, hardly.  I didn’t even wreck it FOR anything.  I just kinda.. Did.

And then, you realize what you really had, only once you’ve lost it.

I must be fucking retarded.