I haven’t used this in a while, other than for hosting images, of course.. It’s rather convenient having an image host that I don’t have to sign up for (and remember yet another password) that I have to worry about randomly dumping my pictures or limiting my bandwidth, or.. whatever photobucket and imageshack do.. There’s so many broken links to images hosted on those two sites… I dunno what causes it, but I don’t really need to worry about it when I have this.
So I’ve had (Hanzo) bugging me to post here. I didn’t wanna, but I figure.. Meh, whatever, I guess it’s been long enough, i can.
Whats been on my mind/going on in the last… well since November I guess was the last time I posted, right? It’s been a pretty shitty time, to be honest. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t posted anything on here in so long. Back in December, on the 8th, my little sister Chrissy passed away. Her lungs failed, Cystic Fibrosis, which both she and my other sis Lisa have had since they were born, took her from us. It was a very hard time, and we still feel it… Which isn’t really anything to be surprised about. We’ll always feel it. But for the time being, it’s just so fresh that there isn’t much I can do to avoid thinking about it most of the time. Unless I keep myself busy and distracted, which, at first worked out alright. I started playing Ragnarok Online again, and immersing myself entirely into that kept me busy. But of late, the game has lost its luster, become boring and more of a source of depression and annoyance than something fun to turn to for relief from reality. So now I need something else. Being depressed horribly sucks when trying to find something that entertains you enough to get your mind off things, though… Nothing seems fun, or interesting.
Enough about that for now though. While I’d prefer not to relive the last moments of my dear sister’s life, they are always going to be with me. Being there in that hospital room. The things she tried to say, I’m sure there’s so much more she would have loved to say and do. I wish I could have said more too.. We did have our chances to say a short goodbye, although it upset her, because she realized what was going on. She got upset while I was in the room alone with her – I think that was when she figured it out – I was the second person to talk with her, after Lisa. Although, it wasn’t as much of anything when I think back on it. My “way with words” is completely limited to written form, be it letters, emails, or otherwise… When it comes to being able to put my thoughts into vocal words, they get lost somewhere, and nothing comes out the way I’d like.. If at all. The most I was able to tell her was that I love her. Which, is good, but there’s so much more I would have liked to say. People will say things like “I’m sure she understood” or “she knew you were there for her”… But nobody really KNOWS that. I can believe it, if it makes me feel better, which of course it does. But I don’t KNOW. And I never will. So it’s just one of those things that is seemingly pointless to get upset over, but at the same time…
I held her hand as she breathed her last breaths. It sounds like something out of a movie. But no, it’s reality. She was surrounded by family and friends, but for those last hours, there was only me and her, and for the last minutes…. I thought my heart was gonna stop. I remember my mum being beside me, I remember waiting for her to breathe again, just once more, then again, and for everything to be ok. Sadly it wasn’t a movie. There was no heroic doctor, or a last minute miracle. Reality sucks.
I sound bitter. It’s probably true, and also probably understandable. She was only 19. She would have been 20 this year in August. We didn’t even get to do much, compared to most people… She’s been sick all her life, sicker than Lisa has been.. I was going to take them each on a trip wherever for their 18th birthday/graduation. Lisa and I went to Valleyfair and the Mall of America. Chrissy and I never got our trip. Between the fact that she was sick, and I was stubborn, she missed out. I do regret that, at the very least. It probably made her feel less important to me. Maybe not after awhile, but at the time. Hard to say, again, probably not worth dwelling on.
Being the eldest sister was hard, in a way. When we were all younger, Chrissy was my “mini me” so to speak. She copied everything I did, and since I was a dumb kid, it drove me nuts. It mattered less as we got older, and now it only feels like a compliment. Of the four of us, me and Chrissy were usually thrown together, while Lisa and our brother were. Our parents separated and divorced, Andrew and Lisa were “dad’s” and me and Chrissy were “mum’s”. We were also closer back then too. But as I got older, and started doing other things, I kind of left Chrissy behind a bit. But that’s how getting older works. Especially when I moved out. Thankfully, we got closer again in the last couple years, but never as close as we used to be when we were younger. We were very alike, the two of us.. Very stubborn and strong-willed. Fought back if we were pushed, had “attitudes” our parents didn’t always like. It was one of the things everyone liked about Chrissy, when you heard people talking about her, the doctors and nurses, everyone in the family, friends, the general opinion of her was always “she was a little spitfire”. Always did what she wanted, regardless of what other people told her. Sounds about right.
Since December, I know I haven’t been “all there” most of the time. I’ve become more socially awkward than I was before, I even find it hard to carry on a good conversation with my mum. Everything just feels so distant, I guess. The world isn’t a fair place, and I’m pretty unimpressed with everything. I get mad often, and easily. Maybe “mad” isn’t really the right word… Frustrated. Because I’m not really angry, it’s more of a defeated feeling that leads me to becoming mad. Again, though.. Thinking about it makes it seem silly. Since I know the problem, you’d assume it’d be easy to work on it… Or maybe I’m being selfish and stupid. I don’t like it when people say “Chrissy wouldn’t want that”, because they don’t know for sure what she would have wanted. Of course, it’s implied sometimes, because she cared about her friends and family. She wouldn’t want us to be upset. But when other people say it, it just…. I don’t really know, it feels redundant and aggravating.
I’m a selfish person, though, I guess.
On a related note, if there’s anyone who reads this that I haven’t already sent an email to, please check this out, and donate if you can. I want to raise money for Cystic Fibrosis research.
