March 12, 2010

• Projectiles hidden in plain sight

  

  This is my projectile.  I like to call her Scsi  (pronounced “scuzzy”) .. or retard, dumb kitty, annoying little fuck, etc…  She lives in my apartment.  She eats cat food, poops in a cat box, plays with pipe cleaners, and makes lots of cat-like noises.  But don’t be fooled.  She isn’t a cat at all – but a cleverly disguised projectile.

  Apparently projectiles can even go into heat if the right precautions are not taken to prevent them from wanting to make more, smaller projectiles. (Thankfully, there are no male projectiles within reach of my female projectile).  Just imagine the safety, and most assuredly the sanity, risks involved with having even more, smaller, stupider projectiles, all in the small area I live in! 

  My projectile is approximately 24 inches long, from the point of her “nose” to the tip of her “tail”, and weighs probably no more than 3.5 pounds. Granted her age, she shouldn’t be growing much more. The projectile’s compact size is more convenient for light tossing, as well as distance launches.  She’s pretty aerodynamically proportioned, perfect for launching at high velocities.  If thrown precisely, it’s possible to reach distances of up to 8 meters of flight without causing damage.  And yes, she almost always lands on her feet.

  In her natural habitat, the projectile isn’t thought to have a very long lifespan, as it’s not the most intelligent creature.  But given a good environment, and a watchful eye, she’s lived over a year and a half in captivity, and granted she doesn’t try my patience too much more than she already does, should live a decently long and healthy life.

  Her pastimes, if a projectile can be considered to have pastimes,  are kicking pipecleaners around my condo, chasing my (real) cat Meroko and play fighting with her (possibly an attempt to assert domination over the older, larger animal in the small territory, though commonly resulting in failure), and annoying the shit out of me.  Projectiles seem to get along fine with other household pets, though not much is really known about their cohabiting with larger pets, such as dogs or cows.

  Her diet consists of, as mentioned, cat food, cat treats, milk… And whatever food scraps she can get her stupid little nose into.  She’s a scavenger, and an omnivore, eating almost anything that is even remotely edible.

  One thing i’ve observed about the “projectile” species, is that they are very picky about where they do their business.  If the cat box is not clean enough for her liking, she will pee, or even poop, on the floor next to it.  Most likely as a way of trying to show me she’s displeased, but there’s also the possibility that projectiles think they’re better than the common house cat, thus leading me to believe they’re susceptible to the “Princess” syndrome.

  Another noteworthy point is the rumbling they produce.  Much like a cat’s purr, but quite a bit louder, even irritating at times, especially at night, when the rest of us are trying to sleep.  I can only be lead to believe that it’s a small engine, powering her tiny projectile body.  It’s not constantly running, so I’m also lead to believe that it works much like a hybrid car – when she’s running low on sleep or food power, the engine kicks in to charge up her idiot battery.

  Not much else is really known about the projectile species – I’ll be updating whenever i make new discoveries that are notable. 

  • 5:16 pm
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