February 13, 2006
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“Communication.. Or lack thereof” (1:05)
I’ve been burying myself into things, again. I tend to do this when i get depressed. Before, it was things like Gunbound, tons upon tons of anime, FS, and other such things. Now, it’s RO. I played Ro all week, every free moment, till at least 2 or 3 in the morning, when i had to get up at 6 to go to school. I didnt get all that much done, either, just sat alot, talking with people, mostly. It’s people I dont really know, so I can spend the time talking to them. When i get depressed, i tend to want to avoid the people that im supposed to be closer with. Just a built in mechanism of mine. One of many. The kind that people (particularly my friends) dont really like.
I don’t call people when i get upset, even when i really feel the need to talk to someone. Like tonight, for example. I started thinking randomly about how badly i miss the kind of talks i used to have with people. In particular, Jon. I loved how i felt, that no matter what, I’d always have someone to talk to. Not that I didnt talk to other people, and have equally as good conversations at times. It’s just that he was always there for me to talk to, and i felt like he was. (you know, that whole “love” thing) Im not tryin to make any of my friends feel inadequate, or less worthy or.. whatever.. but right now, when i tried to think of any one person that i could talk to right now, just to say that im feeling like shit, and that i needed to talk to someone.. I went through a list of about.. maybe 7 people, and ther was always a reason why i wouldnt talk to them. Mostly, because I’d have to call them to get ahold of them, and im not really into that whole talking thing.. I wanted to chat on MSN.. Im more comfortable with it. How else could i cry at the same time and not have to sniffle into the ear of the person at the other end of the line?
Anyway, its not a big deal on their part. They’re good friends. I’m the bad one. -_-
I wish i could just erase parts of my memory so that I wouldnt have to think about certain things that have happened, and maybe i’d be a bit more normal. Im sick of people always saying “its in your head, you can control it, and you dont need drugs to fix this because all you need to do is work on your will power” and blah blah blah. As if I DONT know that, and havent been TRYING. Piss off with your stupid reasoning, because when i get depressed, thats one of the fucking most annoying things echoing through my mind. “You suck because you give into this stupid depression and cant control it. Way to go, idiot” Im WORKING on it. It aint that easy, how about u fucking try it sometime? And to anyone who does deal with this kinda shit.. Then good for you. STFU. KTHXBYE.
And on that note.. Just because I feel like it, here’s an update on my RO status.. And also, a look back on what levels they were about.. uhh.. WEll almost a month ago.
Saturday, January 14
Sunday, February 12
Lunaki – level 99 High Priest *
Rakusu – level 99 Gypsy *
Yukino – level 85 Wizard
Rinoah – level 88 Assassin
Milfie – level 56 Rogue
Kirunai – level 85 Crusader
Misuzu – level 90 Hunter
Shaorin – level 90 Lord Knight*
Esther – level 72 Monk
Subaru – level 70 Creator*
MoonKitten - level 85 Sage
Ryouko – level 62 Blacksmith
Sakaki – level 12 Novice
Lunaki – level 102 High Priest *
Rakusu – level 99 Gypsy *
Yukino – level 88 High Wizard *
Rinoah – level 90 Assassin
Milfie – level 70 Rogue
Kirunai – level 85 Crusader
Misuzu – level 91 Hunter
Shaorin – level 96 Lord Knight*
Esther – level 72 Monk
Subaru – level 75 Creator*
MoonKitten - level 96 Sage
Ryouko – level 62 Blacksmith
Sakaki – level 64 Super Novice
Comments (7)
*huggle*
I’ve already expressed myself on this, and I do hope you’ll take what I said into consideration.
Umm.. too much RO. I know how pointless it is to ask that you not play so much, but I’m going to continue to. Please slow down on the game. I know it’s fun, and it helps get your mind off depressive stuff but.. it’s not going to be there forever. And if you get too attached to it, you might not be able to let it go. And I, for one, sure as hell do NOT want to see that happen to you =(. Not to mention it contributes to lack of sleep, which will make you feel even worse, and will likely cause you to get sick again =
I’d like to second something you said up there though. People like you mentioned really DO need to piss off. They don’t accomplish anything by being like that >_<.
I understand now why you don’t like talking about this on the phone, but MSN will be a rarity for me until I move there (at which point it’ll no longer be required). And I think you have an idea of how much I want to try to help you. So I hope that you’ll still try giving me a call when you’re feeling shitty about anything. You can cry if you want, you can get pissed and start yelling if you want, it doesn’t matter. But I want to help..
*huggle again*
=
Who doesn’t? *thinks* Perhaps George W Bush… He’s a bit careless >.> I doubt he’d make a decent member of any support network due to his incapability to help in any situation. And Dick Cheney too, he appears to have taken up the habit of literally shooting his friends. Don’t get any ideas, anyone. Add that to the apathetic population who don’t know us or just don’t care, and also those who have selfish goals in mind. Okie, so a lot of people don’t really wanna help. I give them the two finger salute (a historical insult to the french… what more could you want).
Oh yeah, since you’re apparently female and it is now the 14th here, happy commercialised valentines day
(oh no, my discrimination against males is revealed >.<). *Frolics*
yeah depression’s fucking complcated, cant reason with it T_T the few times I got depressed I felt like smashing my head cuz of that reason XD I dont like tlking bout it either, so I cant try to force u to tlk about it either T_T but I’m here so guess all I can do is just wait.. I like to help , and listen ^^
WOOT go u on ur ubar characters ^_^ u ROCK ^_^
* Twirly hug * ^_^
Colin, never ever frolic again. The mental image of you slowly running through a dewey meadow on a summer’s afternoon needs to be blasted of mind now.
And as for the other stuff, I’m not gonna go into it. You do have more friends then you think, though I’m pretty sure you’d rather not talk to some of them. Something tells me I’m not one of the seven samurai, unless someone made me Kyuzo without saying anything…
And anyone who didn’t get that refrence should watch the movie! Or even the anime series!
Like with anything, don’t force yourself, mkkk?
Why is Jose thinking about Colin slowly running through a dewey meadow on a summer’s afternoon? I don’t see how that constitutes as “frolicing”. Anyway, drugs…. they help some, and don’t help others. Will power…. works for some, doesn’t for others. Depends on one’s condition. Yeah, that’s it.
I know where you coming from. I’m at that point currently. I’ve been feeling like that alot again too. Thinking about what happened about 3 years ago and how happy I was back then and just how good life seemed back then. How I miss the people I saw and talked to in high school, how I barely see them anymore because of school and/or work on both sides.
I try to focus on today and how everything will get better, but I still see a side where, what if it doesn’t? I try so hard not to be depressed, and when I am, I do like talking on msn a lot more then I do on the phone, because I hate having people see or here me cry. At least on msn I can hide it a little easier.
I’ve read a couple, well more then a couple of your posts, and I find it kinda funny how I can relate to alot of it. I suffer from anxiety depression, and its actually getting pretty bad to a point where again I have to go to therapy so i don’t go and try to leave this this.. well ya know.
I hope things get better for you. I wish though that I at least had someone who I could talk to when I’m depressed and just want someone to listen, and not tell me I’m stupid or anything. I mean I have friends who are there for me and my family too, but its never quite right talking to them.
Take care of yourself, and hope things brighten up soon. >^_^<